😠 “Already two days ago I sent an email and still there is no answer. I’m sure the recipient doesn’t even understand the urgency of the issue.”
😠 “My child got a bad grade because no one sees what he really accomplished. I don’t understand these teachers who just grade however they want.”
😠 “Again the meeting has been scheduled at a time when I’m not even there. I guess they’ll never respect my schedule being in another time zone!”
We encounter these and similar situations again and again in everyday life – something happens, we experience an effect, which in turn triggers a feeling of injustice, not feeling valued or even having been passed over. Often, we have a clear idea in our minds what the intention of the people involved was. But is that really the case?
💡 Is the recipient of my mail not interested in the topic or has he simply not found the time to answer me yet?
💡 Was my child really graded unfairly, or did he or she perhaps not understand part of the assignment and was therefore at least partially wrong with the result?
💡 Do all colleagues really know when my working hours are, or when they might deviate, or did their best but just weren’t able to find another slot for all of us together?
Of course, I am not always wrong with my direct assumption about the other person’s intention. At the same time, there is at least a certain probability that there were completely different reasons for their action and the effect on me was not at all as intended as I perceived it.
What can help us to react more consciously and not automatically here? The following steps can be supportive:
- As soon as I feel triggered by a behavior or words, I pause, and consciously focus on the breath. In this way, I create a pause and do not jump directly into evaluations and musings.
- I become aware of the effect this moment has triggered in me. If I have a little more time, I look to see what is behind it, what patterns may be activated, or values violated.
- In a next step, I consider that the effect triggered in me may not necessarily have been the intention of the other person. What would be other possible reasons that it came to the trigger with me?
- If I am open to this, I share with my counterpart what was triggered in me by remaining completely with myself when describing it and simply asking what the other person’s intention was.
- The short version of the exercise I can always remember: -> IMPACT IS NOT INTENTION!
This and other exercises are part of our several training offers I do offer.
What are moments where this practice has supported you already or might do so? Curious to read your comments!